Goals For My 29th Year Of Life.

Wow I almost forgot about My Awkward Lyfe! By that I mean the blog...I would never actually forget that my life is awkward.

I figured I might just start writing on this again because I'm trying to get my awkward ass in shape. I don't really care if anyone reads this (I do love you all though and appreciate any comments!) because it's not going to be literary genius or excitement in any way. It's mainly just because I really want to make some changes in my life and documenting them might be the only way to keep with it. If I don't stick with it, I give all of my followers full permission to throw rotten tomatoes at me next time you see me.

First thing in my life needing a change is my body. I just dont feel great. I'm always tired, my clothes are too tight and in general, I just want to be healthier. Growing up, I was always the girl who didn't need to work out. I was in dance from age 5 to age 10 and was a cheerleader from age 11 to age 17 and I was skinnnnnnny. After high school, I remained that teeny, with a few short months here and there due to birth control and eating panda express for weeks straight.

So these are my waaaay before pictures. Taken in 2006.




Ignore my face, I thought our teeny rental car was awesome.



I definitely don't want to be this skinny again and prob can't.. but I miss fitting in to my clothes.



Yes that guy is wearing a thong. But I miss being able to be comfortable in a bikini.

 These are my "Now" pics.

Blurry pic.. I was trying to suck in my tummy but decided to look 6 months prego instead.





I'm sick of wearing a ton of layers to hide muffin top. I want to wear a skirt and a tank top again!

I want look at pics of me like this and not critique everything I see.

I realize that a lot of people are probably like "shut up, your pics from before were way to skinny" and I agree. I was too tiny even though I ate ALL the time. I knew it, my friend's knew it and that's why I went on an ice cream sandwich diet for a week to try and gain 5 lbs. My mom is teeny tiny skinny so it runs in the family but somehow along the way, my metabolism changed and I stopped being able to eat any food in sight without consiquences to the way I look and feel.

I want to be able to go into my closet and have my pick of everything in sight to wear that day, instead of a few select outfits that are comfortable and hide my flaws. I want to go shopping and not cringe every time I try on clothes because I can't zip them up when they are a size L (most of this is due to the fact that my boobs grew three sizes. I will miss them when they go away). I miss not being exhausted and sick ALL the time. I miss wearing a bathing suit and only being mildly self concious. I don't miss being called twiggy...but then again I do a little bit. I want to drop two pant sizes and be toned and curvy, not just skinny.  I don't care about weight. I care about health.

So due to the above wish list, I am setting some goals for the last year of my twenties. They shouldn't be difficult goals to achieve if I just get my ass off twitter/blogs/gchat for 20 minutes a day and do something active.  Instead of making a huge list of goals, I will go week by week and change up my goals to make them easier. I firmly believe that if you want to make a lot of life changes, you don't do them all at once or you will get overwelmed and just give up. I think starting with one small goal and working your way up is the way to go.

So here is my first goal.

Week #1-  20 minutes of exercise each day for 7 days (yes, even Saturday aka my Birthday and Super Bowl Sunday).

I'll let you know how it goes.

Tag, I'm it!

I've been seeing this lil game going on around the Blogland. One blogger writes a bunch of questions and tags fellow bloggers in the post, then the people they tag have to answer and tag more bloggers, etc. It looks fun and because I'm a new lil baby blog, I didn't think I'd get a chance to participate until I got on my feet, started eating whole foods and going potty in the big kid toilet.  But then StarlitViolets over at Violet Delights  hit a big mile stone the other day. She got 50 followers (it's up to 53 today so the word about her awesome blog must have spread!)

I'd give her some martinis if I could.

In honor of her blogcomplishment, she tagged all of her followers in this game. Which made me excited because now I can play with the rest of the kids! So here goes nothing:


1. If you were a member of the Brady Bunch, the Scooby Doo clan, or The Flinstones, which character would you be? Why?

I'd be Jenny Jerkface...uh.... I mean Velma

I'd be Velma. Because her and Jenny Jerkface kinda look alike and Jenny Jerkface rocks my socks. But also because she's smart and if I'm going to be any cartoon character, I'd like her not to be a dumbass.


2. What is the one food in this world that exists solely to torture you?

THANKSGIVNG! NOM NOM NOM

Thanksgiving food tortures me year round. In 8th grade, I discovered Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday when one day in mid-September, I got a craving for it and that craving never went away. A few years ago I starting to cook Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house (all except for the turkey....I'd probably end up killing the entire family with salmonella) and have been doing it every year since. I don't know what it is about this damn holiday that has me drooling 12 months out of the year but it's awesome.



3. Explain to us, in detail, the strangest thing you've ever eaten and how you came to eat it.

Chocolate Chip Sandwich... better than it sounds. So much better.

One night me and the laaaadies ( Demanda and Daisy Darkside) were over at Daisy's house pre-drinking heavily getting ready to go out. We were hungry and Daisy pulled out some crap that made me think, "is this girl crazy?" (the answer is yes. Always yes.) and whipped up a chocolate chip sandwich. And that shit was goooooood. She hasn't made it since. But I'm going over to her house for halloween so I'm hoping for the best. (yep, thats a hint!)



4. How often do you read for pleasure (and I'm NOT hinting at fanfic here, you dirty h00rs! But ff counts as pleasure reading, just an EXTRA dose of pleasure!)?

I googled "reading for pleasure" and this came up. Yes, please!

I try to read every day. I have books galore in my room, in my closet, in my carport, in my storage. I don't know why but reading has always been a special thing to me. Actually, I guess I do know why. My grandma used to read to me allll the time when I was little. I learned to read at a very young age and would often finish a book in a day when I was growing up. She passed away when I was 5 but I will always cherish the time spent with her and be grateful for the fact she read to me as much as she did.

5. Alice in Wonderland. The first or second incarnation from Disney?

First one, fo sho!

Call me crazy, but Alice in Wonderland kinda creeps me out. Sure, I watched it when I was a kid and my mom even made me a cute Alice in Wonderland costume when I was in elementary school. But something about it is eerie to me...and the newest version looks like it's creepville 2009. Or whenever it came out. For the record, I'm calling this movie creepy but I looked like the child from Poltergeist. Not scary at all.

Not me.

Me.

6. Describe the place in your house where you usually sit to induldge in all the bloggy/Twitter fun.

This is what my bed looks like. Minus the pink throw pillows. 

I spend my twitter/blog/ff time in my bed because I'm too lazy comfy to go up to the rest of the house. Plus if I unplug my computer, it dies. It's THAT awesome.


7. What is your favorite fairy tale or childhood storybook?

Best ever!

  It was a tough choice between The Little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty. But then I decided since I own The Little Mermaid, know all the words to it, and watched it several times a day that it would make more sense as my favorite. Plus it has a picture of a penis on the cover.

Alrighty, well there are my answers. Hope you all enjoyed reading them and learning a lil something about me! I know most of you bloggers out there have already played this game but if not, feel free to consider yourself tagged.

Here are my questions:

1. Did you ever have any weird habits when you were a kid? (eating glue, crayons, peeing in the corner, etc.)
2. What are your two biggest pet peeves?
3. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be and where?
4. What is your best feature and quality?
5. Are you scared of anything and if so, what?
6. What is your guilty pleasure hobby?

Life Lessons Learned From A Birthday Girl.

Yeah, f'ing sexy.

So today is my platonic life partner's last twenty something birthday (for the slooow readers out there, this means she's twenty nine).  For those of you who know us, you get how we are. But people who don't REEEALLY know us outside of blogs/twitter/fb don't know the story behind our weird ass friendship.



Manda and I have been friends since 7th grade when I met her hanging out by my cheerleading practice. She was wearing tennis shoes with no socks, yellow jean shorts and a black shirt. My first thought was she's got some awesome style that this girl looked like a mix between Sandra Bullock and Gabby Hoffman when she was in Now and Then (if you havent seen it, you really should. Cute movie.) Amanda was loud and had more energy than a 8 year old hopped up on soda and candy but she was sweet and sarcastic...my two favorite things in a friend. She was also kinda ghetto but I guess that comes from growing up in Oakland. We became friends fast within our little group known by teacher's as "Ladies of the Club" and we spend our 8th grade year doing makeup in class instead of homework.  High school flew by fast and we remained friends throughout sports, boyfriends, cliques and everything else. After graduating we decided to move away to a little coastal town where a lot of kids from our high school ventured off to college. Since then we've had some wacky unreal experiences that often make us think "did that JUST happen?!" because they usually include some random stuff that no one would ever believe unless they were there. We've lived together off and on since college, usually seperating every few years or so for a very short period of time but then always moving back in together. Our parents often joke we should just get married...which would be cool and all if we didn't like penis. But that's kind of a deal breaker, ya know?









We do make a good heterosexual couple.

 
Well enough rambling. That was me telling you our little history. Now for the fun part. Last year on Amanda's bday, I wrote on her facebook page  "28 Things I'm hoping she's learned in life." This year I've decided to change it up. So here it goes.

29 things I've learned from Amanda


With Vitamin R comes wisdom



Note: Some of these are inside jokes so I've tried to explain as much as possible. And some just can't be explained so you'll just have to pretend to get it.

1.  A "green card" is off-white.

    Explanation- Amanda googled this one day because these are the kinds of things we talk about when there's nothing else to talk about. We never run out of conversation topics. For reals.

2.  If you fall down the stairs, you usually don’t have to announce it...people probably heard you.

      Explanation- One day Amanda and her mom were standing in the kitchen which is RIGHT next to the stairs in our condo. I walked out of the kitchen and she claimed she heard "crash, boom, tumble, crash, boom!" and then silence. Then I announced " I JUST FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!!!" to which Amanda replied "No shit!"

3.  In the song "Bills Bills Bills" by Destiny's Child, Beyonce does NOT say she wants to break her knee so she can't move.

     Explanation- I thought those were the lyrics. Discovered they were not when Amanda busted out laughing at me while singing (or maybe it was just because I have the voice of a dying bird). Apparently the lyrics are "break my lease so I can move". I think breaking her knee is a better idea. But that's just my opinion.

4.  (This is more like a story than a lesson but I feel like I need to share it anyway) "I was born on October 18th, 1981 in Oakland, CA. The doctor was a headless man who had a punkin as a head. And he rode around on a horsie. Then he had long hair on his punkin head and it hung out the window so someone tried to climb up it all the time but couldnt so they just brushed it all day long. And then we heard a gun shot and saw a bunch of deer."
     Explanation- I LOVE the show Lost. Love love love it. Amanda doesn't. So anytime it was on, she would start telling me random stories to try and distract me from the show. This was her first and most amazing story yet. Still makes me cry tears of laughter everytime I read it.



5.  Always ask Jesus what's new with him when praying. Because he may want to talk about himself for once.



6.  Don't put glitter makeup on after drinking. Ever.



7.  People really CAN be friends for a zillion years and never get in a fight.  (This is true. We've fought like 3 times. Once over food, once over the fact that Barnes and Noble isn't called "Barnes and NobleS" and car keys. All of these fights lasted less than 5 minutes.)



8.  Calamari is squid. (I didn't know this. Amanda did.)



9.  A garbage disposal is actually called "sink eater".


10. The word "absurd" is actually a feeling meaning floored, stunned, shocked, etc. Example- "I am Absurd!"- Amanda


11. A person is not "misunderstood". They are "un-understood." True story.


12.  When you drink tequila, you become tequila. Example: "I am tequila!" - Amanda


13.  An airplane is actually better referred to as "bird of death".


14. "Pulling your finger" is the same as "twisting your arm".


15. Throwing Mardi Gras beads at  your roomates head is a good way to wake them up in the morning (I disagree but maybe that's because I have brain injuries from getting woken up by being whipped in the skull.)


16. Wigs are fun.

17.  If you eat a chocolate croissants, make sure to check the mirror when you're finished. Otherwise people will NOT tell you you look like you just got a dirty sanchez but instead, make you come to this realization 20 minutes after being out in public.


18. If you spray shaving cream all over someone's ceiling when drunk, blame it on someone else. In fact anything in life that you get caught doing, you should blame on someone else. (This last part was not something Amanda taught me but something we learned from others.)


19.  If you are going to take shots on new years eve, make sure they aren't double shots and make sure there aren't 11 of them....in a time span of 10 minutes. FAIL!


20. If you ever have a ghost that attacks your bedroom at night, just put up a note like this and it will leave peacefully.


If you watch The Office, you'll get it. If not...it's still cute, right?...RIGHT?!?

 21.  In every refrigerator, there must be a shelf labeled "Stuff we put on things".


22. Math school is a REAL school. Below is the convo where Amanda helped me come to this realization:
   Amanda- "Man, we've been out of high school for almost 10 years. We're old as dirt!"
   Jamie- "Um, pretty sure dirt is older than 10 years."
   Amanda- "We're older than 10 Jamie. You need to go back to Math School."
   Jamie- "Math school? You say that like its a real school."


23.  You can tell the cops you murdered someone. They will let you go but they probably won't think it's as funny as you do.
        Explanation:  One night, a block from our house, Amanda went out to have a drink. Less than an hour later, she called me to come pick her up. When I picked her up, she told me how a cop pulled her over for walking home drunk and asked for her licesne. When she gave it to him, she joked "I sure hope my murder conviction doesn't come up!" Yeahhhh....she's a genuis! :)


24. Anyone can pull off an afro and a 'stache!

Pulling. It. Off.

25. People shouldn't bring babies on planes. They should just ship them to their location instead. Apparently.


26.  Always keep a spare sock in your car. You never know when you might have an accident such as melted eye liner...or having to potty.


27.  If your theme song is "Shots" by Lil Jon...you'll be hating life the next day. Big time.


28.  If you don't know what something is, call it a mermaid.  To understand this, watch this Twilight parody. Hilarious. And you'll never look at Alice in the baseball scene the same.


29.  Always, ALWAYS over-celebrate your birthday!!


Well, that's it. Hope you have an AMAZING birthday Amanda and thank you for being SUCH an amazing friend throughout this insane life. Love you tons!

Thursday Pet Peeves

I've started to notice lately that I'm developing more and more pet peeves. It gets to the point that at least a few times a day I'll be thinking "FUCK! That REALLY bugs me." when it's something that doesn't even directly affect me.

This is how I feel. Only less furry.

 Maybe I need uppers. Or maybe I just need to calm the fuck down and relax a bit. Not sure really. All I know is that there are so many things that bug the shit out of me and so I've decided to share them with you. Maybe I'm not alone and just possibly these things make you want to punch a baby duck too.

This came up when I googled "Pet Peeve". People dressed as penis and balls is not a pet peeve. It's awesome.

 Loud Chewers: This has been my pet peeve FOREVER. Seriously, how difficult is it to eat with your mouth closed and not sound like you're chewing on gravel or sticking a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener?! I do it every meal of every day and so do millions of others. Close your damn mouth, I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy the change since usually you can hear yourself eat and who wants to sound like a garbage disposal full of drywall screws**?? Maybe slow your roll and enjoy your food eh? Unless you'd enjoy a punch to the junk from yours truly.



Unless you're this guy, close your freakin mouth!


Snoring:  Oh. My. God. So. Annoying. I can't even stand movies where people snore. Snoring on commercials? Forget about it. I'll turn that shit off ASAP. If I have the horrible luck to be in a room or bed with someone who snores, I will toss and turn, then huff and puff like Bella Swan in her hospital bed. It's bad, kids. It's gotten to the point where I've yelled and left the room. Can't. Stand. It. Especially since I'm the lightest sleeper in the world. Someone could fart three blocks from my house and I'd wake up to cover my nose. Rediculous.



Where's this dog when I need him?!

 When people walk like apes: I've had days like this. Where your arms feel way too long for your body as they swing from side to side as you walk, almost hitting your knees. Totally normal. (k probably not normal but shhhhhh.) But when this happens to me, I pick up my long ass arms and fold them or put them in my pocket. I don't let them swing from front to back like I'm walking from the cave to find some firewood. People should do the same. It's not sexy.

At least only one of his arms looks stupid.

Mornings: Should be illegal. Honestly. If people are awake, out and about before 10am, they should be arrested. Morning people are the worst people on this planet to deal with. I'd like to wake them up at 2am being as Mary Fucking Sunshine as they are at 8am and ruin their perfect little sleep pattern.

Well that's it for today. I have many, many, many more pet peeves but I'm going to let them out little by little in hopes that you won't think I'm a giant asshole. It's probably too late for that though. Oh well. Until next time, chew quietly, sleep silently, walk standing straight up and don't wake me up until early afternoon.


Or I'll do this. And it won't taste good.

** This is from an episode of How I Met Your Mother called 'Spoiler Alert'. Freaking hilarious.